It's about give and take
Monday, July 12, 2010 at 01:09AM Sometimes our feelings take us by surprise, and we don't realize we are actually holding the hurt, or the pain or sometimes the anger within us for a situation until it arises.
A simple comment can spark off a reaction and you don't know why.
With some people it's a one way street and that what you sometimes give to them you don't get back in return.
It's hard when it's supposed to be an equal footing with someone and you have to break the cycle and often you don't want to face this or see it. We all bury our head in the sand about that.
It's about making an effort to be present in someone elses life especially if you said you would be and not getting wrapped up in your own life all the time. It can sadly ruin friendships, relationships and many other things, sadly some people are very selfish and they don't see it.
Naturally if there is a big work commitment then that's okay to a degree but we all have busy lives, we all have heavy work commitments and if the other person or people make an effort and it's not returned then people will eventually get disheartened and you will find you could be left on your own. It's a sad fact but a true fact.
I am guilty of it sometimes I know and do my best to not make it a habit but I do travel to see my friends to support them and try to be on the end of the phone for them and call when I say I will call. It's never easy and sometimes it can be exhausting, but it's about making an effort especially if they mean something to you. However that's not always returned and sadly some people say that they haven't seen you and they complain, yet you have made every effort to make it happen or they know how difficult it is for you and they could make changes to accommodate you as they know you are always the one who accommodates or travels to them.
So sometimes it's time to stop and ask yourself, am I really being fair, are things really equal or is it a one way street. We may not like the answer and we have to deal with that.
Are you the one constantly going to visit others? If you are then stop. If you are the one always trying to make plans and getting no commitment, then it's time to stop. Are you the one always picking up the check, if so, stop. Are you the one who is always texting and calling and not getting answered, then it's time to stop. Are you the One waiting for the ohone to ring? If so... STOP!!
Because afterall you deserve so much more than this and life is not a one way street, you have to honor yourself you can't force a situation to happen and when you do stop, take a moment to sit back and see this then you will see the reality and the other person will realize what they had and possibly lost.
Much love
Lisa xx
Reader Comments (45)
Hi Lisa..
This is something that affects so many people ...I have always been thought that giving even though people don't return anything is a good thing.. just a gift of love. But when someone takes it and asks for things when you cannot, or should not..especially when it crepts into a relationship.. it definitely needs it's boundaries and this is something to be honest I am still learning. Thank you for sharing this. You always give me a lot of strength because I respect and love what you say, who you are. xx
Hi Lisa,
So many people don't know how to be a friend, and when it is pointed out to them, they could be knocked over with a feather! People can be clueless, and selfish. They see their own needs, but not those of others. Sometimes, people are psychic vampires and just suck the emotional life out of those around them; they have no capability of giving back.
It is so sad that you would find people like that, because you always want to make life sweet and lovely for others, and deserve so much in return. It is a sad reality that must be faced when people don't live up to our expectations. I have had to do that myself recently with my mother. I know we can't pick our relatives, but I always wanted a warm, loving, comforting mother, not one who never wants to see me because I am overweight, or has never become wealthy, or famously accomplished. It hurts deeply. I started thinking last night (well, night before, now) that I should cut ties with her, because each time I reach out to her, I get a written slap in return. I was thinking that I would tell myself she was dead.
It brought back such horrid memories when I thought about her, and how she was when I was a child. She taunted me, and said mean, ugly things, and called me vile names. I never knew what I could have possible done as such a young thing to deserve it. Once, she threw me out into the snow, when I was wearing only my underwear. I remember how frantically she ran around the house locking all the doors so I couldn't come back in. I can't even remember how long I was out there.
Anyway, even as an adult, she never once came to see me when I was going through chemo. I went through it for one long year, but never a visit, and she only lives about 3 hours away. After I was finished with chemo, and I went to see her, all she could say to me was that I was fat. My mother doesn't know how to give, and she doesn't know how to love. I think many people are that way; maybe not to her degree, but they are emotionally unavailable all the same. It hurts, and we have to either live with it, and go one, or be devastated by it and wither up inside and never trust, or love again. To me, that would be the same as giving up on life, and I am not ready to do now, by any stretch!
In my heart!
Sending love,
Cheryl
xxo!
Thank you Beautiful Lisa...
Don't stop blogging,,, we care........but we can't call you, we can't visit you and we can't send you a letter, but we are here and we don't take you for granted..
HUGS.
Margie.
Such a true blog... although difficult to stop sometimes... xxxx
HELLO LISA
its so nice to get such true inspiration.some of us dont really know a n appreciate what we have,its a wake up call for me and my loved ones.thank u so very much
lauretta
Hello Lisa,
It's true we can often be disappointed, life is tough sometimes and there are obviously reasons why a friend couldn't call or did this or that but I agree with you, when someone is in our heart, we can always find a way to the person. Like others, I've been broken-hearted many times by love-stories BUT when it deals with friendship, it is the worst. That is how it is.. people change and sometimes not for the best but they make choices. I've lost great friends like this and it is just awful, so painful and unfair. I know I certainly have my parts of responsibilty but still. It seems like for some people Friendship is just a matter of self-interest, it's so sad.
So you are right again Lisa, when it's time to stop, just stop !!!
I have difficulties to see how people could find reasons to blame YOU... I'm sure whatever the situation is, you try your best to help the ones you love and not only them but everyone ! ;-))
Much love,
Lise
Great Subject I Love this Blog today thank you Ms Lisa you are correct this is something I have looked at my whole life and whole heartedly agree with you--Much Love To You-
Love Sunday
Love this, love you. This is true and very awakening.
Thanks for this
Love and Energy
Lynn
Hugs Lisa , sounds like you have learnt a very valuable lesson here in this blog. much love to you for passing on the lesson...xxx
I know this only too well i can count on half of one hand how many times my parents have called me in the last 4 years since i lost my son.....to be honest the only times i got calles was cos my dad presed the wrong speed dial on the phone and thought he was ordering fish n chips.......so it makes it even worse cos i know im on the speed dial and know i have my phone with me at all times.....
They never call for my Aniversary nor the Sunset day of my Sons Life to check on me or offer compassionate thooughts n words......that *&%$ hurts but i cant stop loving them and i wait to see if they call and always end up being the one to call them now n then or i dont think i would hear owt from em. And i know that part of their sad sad reasoning is because it was me who'm moved away and emmigrated..
Much Love & Light
And of course BIG YORKY HUGZ
Keith
AKA THEE YORKY PUDDIN
Hi Lisa:
It has taken me a lifetime to learn that giving should come from the heart and not out of guilt or due to someones expectations. Once you starting living a life in which you give only because you want to, it no longer matters if you receive anything back from that person. This lesson has made me less bitter and critical and more accepting of those I love, warts and all. Best wishes!
THANK YOU LISA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really angered at how it seems people nowadays think nothing of not calling you back. Businesses as well. Or worse emailing me back so they can avoid a call. Texting? GREAT! Many times people won't have even listened to my voicemails.
Because of this I dislike facebook and texting. I need to commune with others. As a gay man, my option early on in the late 90's if I wanted to date was to be isolated behind a computer screen waiting for someone to write back. BEFORE THE REST OF THE WORLD KNEW OF SUCH THINGS OR WOULD BE OPEN TO IT. I knew long ago what it feels like to feel stifled, frustrated and without hope of connecting. FOR WHAT? Is this how we contribute to othes while they are alive? And this may be just a sexuality example but now it works for any kind of communicating. It's given me a unique perspective.
Wisdom from my own experience. I'm not forcing it. Just offering it.
We only have each other. and I have lost a lot of faith in others.. but I refuse to go down a negative path.
I'm staying postive and with God. If it means I'm often alone, I will take and learn what I can from it and focus on who coincidentally is front of me connecting with me in that moment.
If I have to be alone and in alignment with my truth.......I take comfort in being at peace with that.
LOVE -
Dearest Lisa,
Quite honestly, when it comes to your life, I don't know how you manage to spread yourself around. You have so many people wanting your attention, even if it is a hug, or a hello, I know that there are thousands of us out there, including myself. I can imagine it must be so hard for you when it comes to your family and friends, that they have to share you with so many of us. How you do it, I just don't know. I have been watching a re-run of your Life Among The Dead series, and I am once again reminded of how enormously you change lives. Although that is an absolutely wondrous thing, it must also be a huge responsibility for you, so I want to acknowledge that and award you a huge noddy badge. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you would give whatever possible time you had spare, to connect with your family and friends. I hope that they do the same with you and understand the unusual demands made on you.
Personally, I couldn't give so much of myself, I am way to selfish with my own time. However, I do always try and find the time to nurture the relationships that are important to me, even if I do feel lazy at times and just want to be an introvert. I don't have an army of friends, but the friends I do have, I have had for many years and they mean the world to me. Family relationships are a little more difficult as there are always one or two that are strained, where one always feels as though they are forever needing to justify or explain themselves and being misunderstood. These relationships I get sorely tempted to give up on at times, but then some time goes by and I find the energy to work on them again.
At the end of the day, relationships can be very complicated and some are downright high maintenance. I guess what is important is knowing that we, personally, did what we could to nurture the relationships that are important to us.
I must admit, some of the responses to your post really sadden me, especially when it comes to mother / child relationships. For those people, I am really sorry that they had to go through a childhood without their mom's love, and I am equally grateful that my daughter and grandchildren know how much they are loved.
I wish you many blessings,
Jeanette
Bonjour Lisa,
This post really talks to me and many others, I'm sure. STOP is the right word. I'll see how I can apply it to my life and still feel good about myself. No more guilty trips, please!
By the way, you don't need to call me, text me or visit me. I'd rather go visit you wherever you are. So, see you soon in Québec City beautiful Lisa!
Well said..it's a life lesson for a lot of us! I can relate and had to make major changes with friends and my relationship to them. It started with the realization you speak of. Hugs!
Much Love,
Andrea
Hey there Lisa,
Thanks for the thought-provoking blog.
I personally have lost touch with many friends over a period of time due to being a caregiver, my own health challenges, and just picking up the pieces of my life after the fact. I was saturated and I am guilty of not making time or space for others. A few friends stuck around patiently while two of my old dear friends pretty much faded over time. A few friends reappeared and I welcomed them back into my life with open arms. Too be honest, I let go without a fight because I think we need to flow with things and just let things happen sometimes. Yes, it hurt, but even the hurt had a purpose as I have come to see. So when the dust blew away and things were a bit clearer, I realized that many new beautiful people entered my life and I am thankful. It is hard to please every single friend as their definition of friendship may have a different meaning than yours. So it comes down to expectation and communication. Let's face it, we are always going to disappoint someone (not intentionally) but because we are all different on a human level. I tend to love very deeply with some detachment. When I do give of myself, I give with my heart with no expectation in return. I just find this is more free flowing and natural... well for me anyway. I am not into that clingy sort of friendship that is quite draining... you can only take so much of someone else's drama. I hope that does not sound cold because it is not meant that way.
Love and Hugs,
DS
Dream... I know exactly what you mean about only being able to take so much of someone else's drama... I tend to switch off at that point as well. These type of relationships can be very draining, especially if they don't want to listen to advice from others but rather continue to wallow in their misery. I can get detached very quickly at this point as well so don't feel alone.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Thank you! I realy needed those words! :)
.Lisa - So true all relationships take work - If they are to work they need balance and to be equal.
It also goes that you are friends who need support and love to get through a hard time in their life. Learning the other person, getting to know their hot buttons and their needs is what long term relationship is all about.
In a truly balanced relationship of love each person tried to out give the other, to out love the other to out respect the other.
When one person cares about you and your time it looks shows up in the form of Respect, it is the underlying love and compassion that is the core.
Thanks Lisa, for always posting such eye opening and spiritual growing words. I may not always respond, but I am reading and taking into self the things that call to my soul.
Thank you so much! The angels were sure guiding you to write that!! My mouth fell open as I read it! It is soooo True and exactly what I needed to hear!!!...May you be blessed a hundred fold!! I will listen and take your advice!!
xoxo
Kim in New Mexico
Hi Lisa ,
yes , i am one of those women who allways visith the others , who 's allways there for everyone and stay , even when i don't get responce when i need help from them ...
i gues i'm just born that way and thats just the way i am ...
Because even when i say to myself , okay , now its time for thinking about myself , and take my conclusions , i allways return and start to help others when they need me ..
hey , nobody's perfect i allways say , so i think i keep doîng this until my end is there ...
you are the best Lisa , keep doîng the things that you do ;o)
Hello, Sweetie -
Yes, I have experienced exactly what you are talking about. Sometimes when we think we are being a good friend and always there for someone, it ends up just enabling a pattern of "using" and being taken for granted.
And I agree with your experiment: to find out how true someone is, just pull back, meaning don't call, email, or text and see how long it takes before they contact you - if ever! At the very least, you'll have a better understanding of where you stand, and can act accordingly.
Much love,
~Steven
Thanks Lisa, boy does this come at the right time! I have a friend who is hooked on prescription drugs who knows that i have her number. She thinks she has everyone snowed (she doesn't) but because I have dealt with this with a family member and she knows it, i take the brunt of it. Anyone who has dealt with this knows, the name may be different but the situations are always the same. They always have an excuse for the slurring and staggering, I have just told my other friend , that I am done.The only time she calls is when she needs something,that ends as of now! lOVE, CHICK
Hi Lisa thankyou so much for writing this blog ,,,,, it was only the other day that i relized im the one who is always ringing my friends to catch up.
always picking up the bill
,running around for them all the time
and im getting really tired
one of my so called friends has been put into hospital and im going up nearly every day to see her and while i was thier i wondered would she have made the effort for me and i new the answer was no and that made me really sad
so this laast 6 weeks has been very eye opening to me i meet you in queensland and have not had anytime to my self to do my 10 days of homework
But i have decided im the most important person at the moment and im takeing time for me .... love you lisa....... Maree